My Major Depression Has Been a Gift

Tonight as I was walking under the moonlight, I began to hear a revelation from God.  This was a welcoming message to me.  Since my depressive episode over two months ago, it has been a slow process of recovery and healing for me.  I was bed ridden for a week where I seemed "formless, empty and dark" similar to how God described the earth before God created it in Genesis 1.  What was interesting to me during my depressive episode was that I still felt God's presence with me.  Just as "the Spirit of God was hovering of the waters" during creation, the Spirit of God was also hovering over me.  God was my light in my darkest place that I have ever been.

The dark for me was the most painful place I have ever been.  I couldn't think, articulate my words, remember, read, journal, pray, go to the bathroom, eat or take a shower.  It was like I was in a dark tunnel being sucked into a deep vacuum going nowhere.  I knew this was not a good place to be, but I also had the sense that God was with me carrying me through this dark birthing canal in excruciating pain.

It has taken me weeks to gain my strength back, and I still get fatigued very easily.  I am finally able to read, remember, and articulate my thoughts.  I am dreaming again, and God is also now speaking to me by giving me messages.  I know God is healing me where I have experienced another depth or spiritual realm of God's empowering grace.

A part of me wonders if this was an act of God purging and delivering me from more inferior parts of myself and sin.  It was this experience where I realized even more of how God is in control, and perhaps God was breaking my overbearing will power of always appearing to have everything together.  If I have a strong will power, it doesn't allow God to have complete control of my life so that God can effortlessly pour in, through and out of me like a hollowed out vessel so I don't mess up God's divine plan and order. 

It is odd for me to say this, and most won't understand this in the secular world, but my depression has been a gift to me.  It has made me realize that my life story, disappointments and trauma in my life is what has created me to be who I am today, and how God is going to use it for God's glory!  By accepting and understanding why I suffer from Major Depression, I can now walk with others more empathically in their mental health illness revealing their gifts and beauty to them of who they are in Christ.  Not only will this be healing for those that suffer with mental health illness, but hopefully I can offer support to families whose loved ones suffer from mental health illness.  God has placed upon my heart to be open and vulnerable about my story so that I can minister to others in their deepest pain and sufferings.

There is an urgent need to educate the public and church about mental health illness in order to reduce the stigma associated with it so that sufferers no longer have to feel as though they suffer alone in the silence whether at work, school, in their families, or in the church pews. 

If this is how God is using me to be a testimony and vessel for others, I respond just as Mary did when the angel revealed to her that she was going to give birth to a son, Jesus Christ, Our Savior.  Mary responded by saying, "Let it be so" (Luke 1:34).  So I too say, "Let it be so" God!  Use me!  I am your faithful servant.  Amen.   

All For the Greater Glory of Thee!

Tuesday was the fist day of my classes for the spring semester of Seminary.  I had Preaching and Hebrew Readings.  I sat at my desk for nearly three hours Tuesday evening working at reading, translating and parsing the text of Jonah 1:1-3.  That is one hour per verse.  I was thinking to myself that I still have reading to do for my Wednesday class, and I am already feeling exhausted.  The week is not even over, and I have three more classes that I need to prepare for this week.  I am taking a total of 15 semester hour credits.  This is going to be an intense semester with deep theological and critical thinking which does not come naturally for me.  Actually it often makes my head hurt until I can't absorb or digest any more exegesis.  When I get to that point, I must quit and take a break by going within to meet God in prayer and meditation so that God can refill and refresh me.

Tuesday evening was one of those moments where I hit that brick wall threshold.  I decided to pray and meditate from my front office window that overlooks the city lights.  The moon was full and glowing purely, lighting up the night sky.  As I stared at it, I felt as though it was radiating through me filling me up with energy and stamina for this next semester.  I don't know why, but the moon always draws me in with a mystical energy that mesmerizes me.  As I reflect on the demands, the pulls, the flow and energies of the semester and life, the moon's phases gives me an example to the way its natural cycle cannot be altered or changed because it has been divinely set to be where it is at this exact moment. 



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I resonated with the moon knowing that I am also right where I am at with all the demands, pulls, and flow of my Seminary and life schedule.  It has already been divinely orchestrated.  I am invited to walk in it by doing each task that is before me by not looking back, not looking forward, but just being present in the current moment knowing God already has all of this taken care of on my behalf.  By following God's divine order in every detail of my life, I radiate God's glory and experience God's grace.  What beautiful and amazing grace God continues to extend and shower upon me.  It is a gift like no other gift that I have ever received in my entire life.  It has always been there, I was just spiritually blind to it.  It is a gift that makes me desire only God's abounding presence every moment of the day, hour, minute and second of my time.  I know this sounds selfish of me, but since I have experienced God in this way, I long and desire for God's holiness because I don't want anything to compromise this intimate relationship with God.  So this is my prayer.



Oh God,
Let me radiate like the moon in the darkest nights and places of this world.  My prayer is that others "will see you in me."  God, just like the moon shines of your glory, let me too shine of your glory with a pure, loving, merciful, and gracious heart, mind, body and soul.  Let all that I do be honorable and pleasing to you.  My choices, the way I live, how I interact with creation is not about me or for my personal satisfaction, but it is for the greater glory of Thee!  Amen. 

(photo credits are from internet resources listed on the photos or link provided)

Dying Well Means Living Well

 

My semester break has been one of God taking me even deeper into the inner depths of my sinfulness.  This is one of the most painful truths and realizations that I have had to acknowledge within myself.  Not only has it been painful mentally, emotionally and spiritually, but also physically.  I have experienced God rooting out hidden sinful desires within my heart.  My heart has ached, it has throbbed and pulsated to the point that it has felt like my heart was in my throat.  There is nothing that I can do except sit in prayer and meditation breathing through the throbs.  I would just keep repeating and asking, "God, please help me and take this away."  It made me restless and there was no escape from it.  Sleep was even difficult as I laid my head down on my pillow and asked God to just wake me up when He was done and it was all over.  He didn't answer that prayer either because I believe God wants me to feel the consequences of purging my sin.  By recognizing my desperate need in my suffering, I understand the depth and need of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I believe if I don't understand fully the suffering of Jesus' death for our sins, then I can't fully understand or comprehend the significance of His resurrection.  This understanding is crucial to my obedience in how I live everyday to become Christ like so that I can live out His purpose and will for my life.


Finally as I am writing this, the throbbing and pulsating is subsiding where I am now noticing a warmth of love radiating through my chest.  No longer do I feel like my heart is in my throat.  I believe God wanted me to acknowledge His restorative and redeeming work in me. 

God's restorative work in me has also made me keenly aware of past relationships, circumstances and/or actions where I have hurt others or acted in inappropriate ways that were ignorant and/or spiritually immature.  I publically want to make these wrongs right by saying I am truly sorry for any hurt or pain that I may have caused.  As my time as a hospital chaplain, I got to sit with individuals who were nearing death.  What I noticed is that those individuals who had confessed regrets and remorse to me for unreconciled relationships and wrongs in their life, they experienced the most difficult time of letting go and dying.  I don't want to be that person with unreconciled relationships or wrongs in my life.  I want to be able to die well and that means that I must live well today and each day until God calls me to my eternal resting place. 

For me, this means that each day I should ask myself how I can participate with God in His Kingdom to fulfill His mission of restoring creation.  I end with this prayer. 

God, I pray today and each and every day that not just me, but for all of my brothers and sisters that you will continue to increase our eyesight so that we can see the way you see.  Give us your heart so that we feel for others the way that you love them right where they are at.  Give us your thoughts to increase our insights of how we can achieve justice for all.  Give us your Spirit of consolation so that we can continually be fully present with others in truth, love, mercy and grace.  Protect us God from the enemy attacks that deceive to divide us.  Make us aware to discern evil spirits so that we can intercede to create healing, peace, transformation and unity among our brothers and sisters.  Equip us for this battle to be warriors against the enemy and not against our brothers and sisters.  Thank you God for your continued love and hope in humanity.  Thank you for being with us in all of our messiness where you still love us the same.  Amen

 

Resource credits for photos: 

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An Ignatian Adventure to Holiness

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Over my semester break, I have been engaging in spiritual exercises developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola.  My hope has been to deepen my relationship with Jesus Christ to a new, higher spiritual realm.  I want to travel to the center of God's heart and become at one with Him.  This way to holiness is not only for me to experience God's voice of what He is inviting me too, but also for me to be able to be fully present to the needs of those that I will be serving.  I desire a pure discerning heart that leads me on the path to God's will so that I can serve, advocate and nurture the souls of the marginalized, oppressed, imprisoned, broken and lost souls.  Ignatius's exercises takes us to our truest, holiest and deepest desires that connects our heart, mind, body and soul.  It is at this place of connectedness and at one with God where we are less likely to be distracted by inferior thoughts and critical voices, or we can at least discern the difference between the spirits.  Ignatius would call these spirit of desolation (evil) or spirit of consolation (from God). 

St. Ignatius was a Spanish knight during the 16th Century.  He was born to a wealthy family.  He lived a wild and promiscuous life of selfishness and vanity.  During a battle, both of Ignatius's legs were broken.  It was during this time of bed rest for six months that Ignatius would encounter God.  Once he was completely healed, he set out on a pilgrimage and became a Jesuit priest serving the sick and poor.  It would be during this time of service and seeking God's will that Ignatius developed these spiritual exercises.

So one of my daily exercises led me to Isaiah 43:1-7.  I would encourage you to read it at this point.  I was invited to name my God given talents and gifts as well as my limitations and weaknesses.  I sat in silence as the Holy Spirit revealed these to me.  As I listed my gifts and limitations, I sat in silence and solitude meditating over them to see what else God would reveal to me.  This is what came that God revealed to me.

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In the midst of my gifts and limitations, I know that God is continually at work within me.  God loves me right where I am.  God made me and created me.  God is revealing to me each day who He intended me to be.  Each day is a new day where He makes me new if I am open to Him forming and molding me into his image.  It comes with painful truths of looking at who I am not.  By facing these painful truths, it releases my creativity, gifts, talents and full potential of who God created me to be.  I am on my way of coming home not only within myself, but God is inviting me and preparing me to move onward to my eternal home.  A process of holiness.

Our time here on earth is temporary, but we can have peace like it is in heaven if we so choose.  It is an individual choice to whether we will participate with God to a way of holiness by surrendering our entire being to Him and His will.  Will we allow Him to transform us through grace into loving, compassionate and nonjudgmental individuals restoring peace, order, systems, structures and relationships? 

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He has given us the example through Jesus Christ in how to do this as well as His spoken word.  Will we choose to follow in the way we were instructed in word and by deed as Jesus Christ as our example?  It is laid out pretty simple, but in our human imperfections, manipulative ways and selfish desires, we get in the way and distracted by Satan's deceit and lies.  The battle is not with our family, friends, or enemy's, the battle is with Satan.  If we choose to reconcile, forgive, restore and love in all circumstances we open the way and defeat the enemy.  This is how we create unity to defeat the enemy that thereby creates a "beloved community." 

It is a choice.  It is a choice to live a life of holiness each day.  This is the holy work and way that God is inviting and calling us to live.  I personally strive for Christ-like holiness knowing that I fall short each day.  However, by acknowledging the depth of my sins, it reveals my growing edges where wisdom, humility and grace are at work within me.  It is a daily way of living for the rest of my life.  2 Corinthians 7:1 states, "Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."  Amen. 



Resources:  O'Brien, Kevin.  2011.  "The Ignatian Adventure." 

Go & Sin No More

God awakened me from a dream that took me to the place where I realized where sin entered and ruled my life.  God revealed to me what Satan took away from me before my sinful behavior.  Just as Satan came into the Garden of Eden and deceived Adam and Eve, Satan also came to me.  I did not have a solid foundation at the time, nor was I rooted in Christ's truth, promises or Word that would help me to recognize this deception let alone to fight or rebuke it.

Wow, God continues to come to me through dreams to take me deeper into the root causes and painful truths of my sin. None of us are immune to it because of the fallen world we were born into.  However, God has given us His Word, the Bible, to prepare us for the time of tribulation, chaos and catastrophes.  Acts 14:22 forewarns us of this that it is necessary in order to enter the Kingdom of God.  Other scriptures about this includes John 15:20, 1 Thessalonians 3:3, 2 Timothy 3:12 and Romans 8:17.  We will be tested and persecuted by Satan who is looking to devour us in any means possible.  As God continues to reveal to me the depth of my own sin, He also is revealing to me the evil spirits that are roaming in all of us trying to divide us, the systems that diminish us instead of restoring us, the structures that strangle the well-being for all and the tolerance of our social and cultural norms to accept certain behaviors. 

All of us, me included, must continue to pay attention and to ask God to reveal to us our known sin, our sin that is hidden and the sin of past decay in our lives that we must be delivered from.  If we fail to acknowledge our dark side, the enemy will continue to use it as a hook to keep us stuck in those sinful places where it is an obstacle that prevents us from being in a close relationship with God which the enemy so desires.  By acknowledging our sin before God, it no longer has power over us.  We bring it to the light, and it releases the strongholds and bondages that it has had upon our life.

There is no sin that is better or worse than any other.  Simply put, sin is missing the mark and separating us from a relationship with God.  Sin has serious consequences that may not be obvious in the moment, but in 1 Timothy 5:24 it does say that they do trail behind us.  The Good News is that Paul tells us in Colossians 3 that because we have died to sin that our life is also within Jesus Christ.  Since we are co-heirs with Christ, victory has already been won and nothing can separate us from God.  We must understand this faithfully though to not go about sinning knowingly because we now know God's truth with no excuse of ignorance.  A quote that often resonates in my head is,

"Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay."  The author is unknown, but what wisdom I resonate with this as I understand what sin has done and cost me in my life.  It is a painful truth sometimes too hard to bear. 

Jesus said in the Bible on two occasions that I am aware of in John 5:1-15 and John 8:3-11 to, "Go and sin no more."  Jesus knows we are not perfect, but He does ask us to consider the cost and consequences of our sinful lifestyle choices.  What grace, mercy, truth and holiness He offers us when we don't deserve any of it.  When I reflect on this unmerited gift, it is my longing and desire to give all of myself to Jesus who came to die for me.  How can it be, that we are LOVED in such a way to be set free.  It is overwhelming to comprehend and fully understand.  I praise God and thank Him though for His enduring LOVE for me, a sinner.  Amen!

Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad: Put God First in Everything

This week Kendall and I have been busy preparing for the Rockingham County Fair where she will be showing her market lambs.  It has been such a blessed time for us both, but also very tiring.  This morning, Sunday, when I awakened late, I thought it would be okay to miss church this morning.  Then I heard, "Put Me (God) first, then everything else will fall into place."  I thought YES!  YES that is so true.  God must always be first in every aspect of my life.  I had already lived and learned through painful past lessons from when I did not put God first in every aspect of my life making poor choices and decisions.  In no way do I want to repeat those same inappropriate habits, choices or decisions.

I then jumped out of bed as I prepared to get ready for church praying the Shema (Deeteronomy 6:4) in Hebrew to God.  I repeated, "Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad, Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad, Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad."  As I continued to pray the Shema, I became so joyful and at peace.  I would love to go into detail sharing with you the historical context of the Shema and how even in today's context the Jewish people recite the Shema four to five times throughout their day, however, I will save that for a sermon for another time.

Kendall and I arrived at Beaver Creek Church of the Brethren and pulled into the parking lot.  As I got out of the car, guess what I discovered?   Two bird feathers!  For those of you that don't know, God speaks to me profoundly in the silence by placing bird feathers on my path in the most unlikely places at the most appropriate time.  God places bird feathers on my path when I have been praying, questioning, or even doubting His plans for me.  He affirms my path and calling with the placement of bird feathers giving me affirmation to continue following His leading for me even though it often times does not make sense or I don't understand.

Then as Kendall and I are walking up the steps to the church, guess what we find?  Another beautiful white bird feather.  I am now glowing, in awe and internally telling God how much I love Him and His ways!  I was so glad I was in church.  I was present to God's silent whispers to me reminding me that He must be first in all I do!

My Pastor, Glenn Bollinger's sermon was even timely and appropriately titled, "Where Do You Seek Him."  It was based on scripture 1 Kings 19:9-18.  The message was about being sensitive to God's presence in all things, everyday in our life.  Glenn revealed that "God speaks to us in the silence in expected and unexpected ways."  For me, it is always with bird feathers!

As Kendall and I were walking out of church down the sidewalk and steps, there laid more bird feathers!  If I wouldn't have been obedient this morning by listening to God's whisper to put Him first and go to church, I would have missed God's silent symbolism of His LOVE and affirmations for me.  Oh how God loves to show us His presence in all things if we are open and available to Him first in all of our life's details.

God is inviting and calling us to give our full attention to Him.  "Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One."  And what is the greatest commandment?  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength."  And the second greatest commandment is, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Will you make God first in all details of your life, loving him with all your heart, mind, body, soul and strength?  That is what He is calling us too!
"Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad." 

Feather Outside the Third Story Window

I have not made a post in over two months because I have been in Seminary summer school completing Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) serving as a Counselor and Chaplain at two sites:  Rockingham Memorial Hospital and Gemeinschaft Home which is a transition home for convicted felons rehabilitating them for re-entry back into society.  This has been an intense schedule with 40 hours per week clinical work, classroom time, homework, verbatims, working my professional job which is my livelihood while maintaining my personal schedule and obligations for my daughter and I.  It has been one of the most rewarding experiences for me though in my Seminary studies.  It has been a time of affirmation of my calling and direction where God is leading me.  I had a neat experience today at the hospital that I wanted to share.

As I was at the hospital today making visits, I was on the 3rd floor meeting with a patient.  As I was looking outside the window occasionally as I listened to the patient, I kept seeing a glimpse of something.  At first I thought it was a reflection of something in the window, and I kept looking behind me to see if there was anything or someone there causing the reflection.  There was nothing there.  Then I realized that it was a white feather.  At first I was in disbelief and doubted the fact, but as I looked closer, it was in fact a feather that was falling.  Then I guess the wind would catch it and it would ascend and descend again like a romantic, graceful dance before my eyes.  I wanted to keep staring at it, but I also did not want the patient to think that I was not listening, so I glanced away from the feather looking at the patient.  However, my curiosity and fascination was too great that I would continue to go back and forth from the feather to the patient.  The last time that I glanced away and looked back to the window, it was now gone.  I was sad, but also grateful that God had revealed Himself to me even in that most unlikely moment of seeing a feather. 

You see, for probably over a year now, God reveals Himself to me in profound ways and always the perfect time through bird feathers that are placed on my path in the most unlikely places.  On my journey, I have documented these unlikely encounters and I am always amazed when God shows up revealing Himself to me when I need affirmation. 

Prior to leaving my shift at the hospital, I always spend my last ten minutes in the hospital prayer room praying for my patients, doctors, nurses, staff and myself.  I was praising and thanking God for the way He revealed Himself to me in an ironic way through a feather outside of a patient's hospital room on the third floor. 

I instantly felt God's presence upon me with a warmth and tingling bodily sensation that radiated through my entire being.  I became emotional (and as I write this reflecting on my experience, I am now too emotional overcome with tears).  At this moment, God and I encountered each other in an intimate and intentional manner of mutual gratitude and love.  There is no greater feeling or experience than when God and I meet in divine union spontaneously in the most unlikely way.  Oh the mystery of His love and romance keeps wooing me in for more. 

Coming soon, I will have more personal reflections of my experience during these past ten weeks of how my CPE experience has allowed me to feel so alive with a new meaning of God being the Alpha and the Omega.  He is the beginning and the end as I have sat with others staring at the birth of new life and sitting with those gasping their last breathe.  It is in the middle of these two tensions where deep appreciation, purpose and meaning of life awakens the soul to feel connected to all and in union with the movement and the groaning of the universe.  I can't wait to share this with you!  Shalom.