Tonight as I was walking under the moonlight, I began to hear a revelation from God. This was a welcoming message to me. Since my depressive episode over two months ago, it has been a slow process of recovery and healing for me. I was bed ridden for a week where I seemed "formless, empty and dark" similar to how God described the earth before God created it in Genesis 1. What was interesting to me during my depressive episode was that I still felt God's presence with me. Just as "the Spirit of God was hovering of the waters" during creation, the Spirit of God was also hovering over me. God was my light in my darkest place that I have ever been.
The dark for me was the most painful place I have ever been. I couldn't think, articulate my words, remember, read, journal, pray, go to the bathroom, eat or take a shower. It was like I was in a dark tunnel being sucked into a deep vacuum going nowhere. I knew this was not a good place to be, but I also had the sense that God was with me carrying me through this dark birthing canal in excruciating pain.It has taken me weeks to gain my strength back, and I still get fatigued very easily. I am finally able to read, remember, and articulate my thoughts. I am dreaming again, and God is also now speaking to me by giving me messages. I know God is healing me where I have experienced another depth or spiritual realm of God's empowering grace.
A part of me wonders if this was an act of God purging and delivering me from more inferior parts of myself and sin. It was this experience where I realized even more of how God is in control, and perhaps God was breaking my overbearing will power of always appearing to have everything together. If I have a strong will power, it doesn't allow God to have complete control of my life so that God can effortlessly pour in, through and out of me like a hollowed out vessel so I don't mess up God's divine plan and order. 
It is odd for me to say this, and most won't understand this in the secular world, but my depression has been a gift to me. It has made me realize that my life story, disappointments and trauma in my life is what has created me to be who I am today, and how God is going to use it for God's glory! By accepting and understanding why I suffer from Major Depression, I can now walk with others more empathically in their mental health illness revealing their gifts and beauty to them of who they are in Christ. Not only will this be healing for those that suffer with mental health illness, but hopefully I can offer support to families whose loved ones suffer from mental health illness. God has placed upon my heart to be open and vulnerable about my story so that I can minister to others in their deepest pain and sufferings.
There is an urgent need to educate the public and church about mental health illness in order to reduce the stigma associated with it so that sufferers no longer have to feel as though they suffer alone in the silence whether at work, school, in their families, or in the church pews. If this is how God is using me to be a testimony and vessel for others, I respond just as Mary did when the angel revealed to her that she was going to give birth to a son, Jesus Christ, Our Savior. Mary responded by saying, "Let it be so" (Luke 1:34). So I too say, "Let it be so" God! Use me! I am your faithful servant. Amen.
