Dying Well Means Living Well

 

My semester break has been one of God taking me even deeper into the inner depths of my sinfulness.  This is one of the most painful truths and realizations that I have had to acknowledge within myself.  Not only has it been painful mentally, emotionally and spiritually, but also physically.  I have experienced God rooting out hidden sinful desires within my heart.  My heart has ached, it has throbbed and pulsated to the point that it has felt like my heart was in my throat.  There is nothing that I can do except sit in prayer and meditation breathing through the throbs.  I would just keep repeating and asking, "God, please help me and take this away."  It made me restless and there was no escape from it.  Sleep was even difficult as I laid my head down on my pillow and asked God to just wake me up when He was done and it was all over.  He didn't answer that prayer either because I believe God wants me to feel the consequences of purging my sin.  By recognizing my desperate need in my suffering, I understand the depth and need of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I believe if I don't understand fully the suffering of Jesus' death for our sins, then I can't fully understand or comprehend the significance of His resurrection.  This understanding is crucial to my obedience in how I live everyday to become Christ like so that I can live out His purpose and will for my life.


Finally as I am writing this, the throbbing and pulsating is subsiding where I am now noticing a warmth of love radiating through my chest.  No longer do I feel like my heart is in my throat.  I believe God wanted me to acknowledge His restorative and redeeming work in me. 

God's restorative work in me has also made me keenly aware of past relationships, circumstances and/or actions where I have hurt others or acted in inappropriate ways that were ignorant and/or spiritually immature.  I publically want to make these wrongs right by saying I am truly sorry for any hurt or pain that I may have caused.  As my time as a hospital chaplain, I got to sit with individuals who were nearing death.  What I noticed is that those individuals who had confessed regrets and remorse to me for unreconciled relationships and wrongs in their life, they experienced the most difficult time of letting go and dying.  I don't want to be that person with unreconciled relationships or wrongs in my life.  I want to be able to die well and that means that I must live well today and each day until God calls me to my eternal resting place. 

For me, this means that each day I should ask myself how I can participate with God in His Kingdom to fulfill His mission of restoring creation.  I end with this prayer. 

God, I pray today and each and every day that not just me, but for all of my brothers and sisters that you will continue to increase our eyesight so that we can see the way you see.  Give us your heart so that we feel for others the way that you love them right where they are at.  Give us your thoughts to increase our insights of how we can achieve justice for all.  Give us your Spirit of consolation so that we can continually be fully present with others in truth, love, mercy and grace.  Protect us God from the enemy attacks that deceive to divide us.  Make us aware to discern evil spirits so that we can intercede to create healing, peace, transformation and unity among our brothers and sisters.  Equip us for this battle to be warriors against the enemy and not against our brothers and sisters.  Thank you God for your continued love and hope in humanity.  Thank you for being with us in all of our messiness where you still love us the same.  Amen

 

Resource credits for photos: 

http://temple-ministries.co.uk/default/cache/file/2C31EFA0-CF55-4184-AA05E95FF627E2E7.jpg

http://www.eaministries.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/herestoresmysoul.jpg
http://victoryinternational.org/main/wp-content/uploads/banner_road_to_restoration_02.jpg

An Ignatian Adventure to Holiness

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Over my semester break, I have been engaging in spiritual exercises developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola.  My hope has been to deepen my relationship with Jesus Christ to a new, higher spiritual realm.  I want to travel to the center of God's heart and become at one with Him.  This way to holiness is not only for me to experience God's voice of what He is inviting me too, but also for me to be able to be fully present to the needs of those that I will be serving.  I desire a pure discerning heart that leads me on the path to God's will so that I can serve, advocate and nurture the souls of the marginalized, oppressed, imprisoned, broken and lost souls.  Ignatius's exercises takes us to our truest, holiest and deepest desires that connects our heart, mind, body and soul.  It is at this place of connectedness and at one with God where we are less likely to be distracted by inferior thoughts and critical voices, or we can at least discern the difference between the spirits.  Ignatius would call these spirit of desolation (evil) or spirit of consolation (from God). 

St. Ignatius was a Spanish knight during the 16th Century.  He was born to a wealthy family.  He lived a wild and promiscuous life of selfishness and vanity.  During a battle, both of Ignatius's legs were broken.  It was during this time of bed rest for six months that Ignatius would encounter God.  Once he was completely healed, he set out on a pilgrimage and became a Jesuit priest serving the sick and poor.  It would be during this time of service and seeking God's will that Ignatius developed these spiritual exercises.

So one of my daily exercises led me to Isaiah 43:1-7.  I would encourage you to read it at this point.  I was invited to name my God given talents and gifts as well as my limitations and weaknesses.  I sat in silence as the Holy Spirit revealed these to me.  As I listed my gifts and limitations, I sat in silence and solitude meditating over them to see what else God would reveal to me.  This is what came that God revealed to me.

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In the midst of my gifts and limitations, I know that God is continually at work within me.  God loves me right where I am.  God made me and created me.  God is revealing to me each day who He intended me to be.  Each day is a new day where He makes me new if I am open to Him forming and molding me into his image.  It comes with painful truths of looking at who I am not.  By facing these painful truths, it releases my creativity, gifts, talents and full potential of who God created me to be.  I am on my way of coming home not only within myself, but God is inviting me and preparing me to move onward to my eternal home.  A process of holiness.

Our time here on earth is temporary, but we can have peace like it is in heaven if we so choose.  It is an individual choice to whether we will participate with God to a way of holiness by surrendering our entire being to Him and His will.  Will we allow Him to transform us through grace into loving, compassionate and nonjudgmental individuals restoring peace, order, systems, structures and relationships? 

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He has given us the example through Jesus Christ in how to do this as well as His spoken word.  Will we choose to follow in the way we were instructed in word and by deed as Jesus Christ as our example?  It is laid out pretty simple, but in our human imperfections, manipulative ways and selfish desires, we get in the way and distracted by Satan's deceit and lies.  The battle is not with our family, friends, or enemy's, the battle is with Satan.  If we choose to reconcile, forgive, restore and love in all circumstances we open the way and defeat the enemy.  This is how we create unity to defeat the enemy that thereby creates a "beloved community." 

It is a choice.  It is a choice to live a life of holiness each day.  This is the holy work and way that God is inviting and calling us to live.  I personally strive for Christ-like holiness knowing that I fall short each day.  However, by acknowledging the depth of my sins, it reveals my growing edges where wisdom, humility and grace are at work within me.  It is a daily way of living for the rest of my life.  2 Corinthians 7:1 states, "Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."  Amen. 



Resources:  O'Brien, Kevin.  2011.  "The Ignatian Adventure." 

Go & Sin No More

God awakened me from a dream that took me to the place where I realized where sin entered and ruled my life.  God revealed to me what Satan took away from me before my sinful behavior.  Just as Satan came into the Garden of Eden and deceived Adam and Eve, Satan also came to me.  I did not have a solid foundation at the time, nor was I rooted in Christ's truth, promises or Word that would help me to recognize this deception let alone to fight or rebuke it.

Wow, God continues to come to me through dreams to take me deeper into the root causes and painful truths of my sin. None of us are immune to it because of the fallen world we were born into.  However, God has given us His Word, the Bible, to prepare us for the time of tribulation, chaos and catastrophes.  Acts 14:22 forewarns us of this that it is necessary in order to enter the Kingdom of God.  Other scriptures about this includes John 15:20, 1 Thessalonians 3:3, 2 Timothy 3:12 and Romans 8:17.  We will be tested and persecuted by Satan who is looking to devour us in any means possible.  As God continues to reveal to me the depth of my own sin, He also is revealing to me the evil spirits that are roaming in all of us trying to divide us, the systems that diminish us instead of restoring us, the structures that strangle the well-being for all and the tolerance of our social and cultural norms to accept certain behaviors. 

All of us, me included, must continue to pay attention and to ask God to reveal to us our known sin, our sin that is hidden and the sin of past decay in our lives that we must be delivered from.  If we fail to acknowledge our dark side, the enemy will continue to use it as a hook to keep us stuck in those sinful places where it is an obstacle that prevents us from being in a close relationship with God which the enemy so desires.  By acknowledging our sin before God, it no longer has power over us.  We bring it to the light, and it releases the strongholds and bondages that it has had upon our life.

There is no sin that is better or worse than any other.  Simply put, sin is missing the mark and separating us from a relationship with God.  Sin has serious consequences that may not be obvious in the moment, but in 1 Timothy 5:24 it does say that they do trail behind us.  The Good News is that Paul tells us in Colossians 3 that because we have died to sin that our life is also within Jesus Christ.  Since we are co-heirs with Christ, victory has already been won and nothing can separate us from God.  We must understand this faithfully though to not go about sinning knowingly because we now know God's truth with no excuse of ignorance.  A quote that often resonates in my head is,

"Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay."  The author is unknown, but what wisdom I resonate with this as I understand what sin has done and cost me in my life.  It is a painful truth sometimes too hard to bear. 

Jesus said in the Bible on two occasions that I am aware of in John 5:1-15 and John 8:3-11 to, "Go and sin no more."  Jesus knows we are not perfect, but He does ask us to consider the cost and consequences of our sinful lifestyle choices.  What grace, mercy, truth and holiness He offers us when we don't deserve any of it.  When I reflect on this unmerited gift, it is my longing and desire to give all of myself to Jesus who came to die for me.  How can it be, that we are LOVED in such a way to be set free.  It is overwhelming to comprehend and fully understand.  I praise God and thank Him though for His enduring LOVE for me, a sinner.  Amen!

Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad: Put God First in Everything

This week Kendall and I have been busy preparing for the Rockingham County Fair where she will be showing her market lambs.  It has been such a blessed time for us both, but also very tiring.  This morning, Sunday, when I awakened late, I thought it would be okay to miss church this morning.  Then I heard, "Put Me (God) first, then everything else will fall into place."  I thought YES!  YES that is so true.  God must always be first in every aspect of my life.  I had already lived and learned through painful past lessons from when I did not put God first in every aspect of my life making poor choices and decisions.  In no way do I want to repeat those same inappropriate habits, choices or decisions.

I then jumped out of bed as I prepared to get ready for church praying the Shema (Deeteronomy 6:4) in Hebrew to God.  I repeated, "Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad, Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad, Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad."  As I continued to pray the Shema, I became so joyful and at peace.  I would love to go into detail sharing with you the historical context of the Shema and how even in today's context the Jewish people recite the Shema four to five times throughout their day, however, I will save that for a sermon for another time.

Kendall and I arrived at Beaver Creek Church of the Brethren and pulled into the parking lot.  As I got out of the car, guess what I discovered?   Two bird feathers!  For those of you that don't know, God speaks to me profoundly in the silence by placing bird feathers on my path in the most unlikely places at the most appropriate time.  God places bird feathers on my path when I have been praying, questioning, or even doubting His plans for me.  He affirms my path and calling with the placement of bird feathers giving me affirmation to continue following His leading for me even though it often times does not make sense or I don't understand.

Then as Kendall and I are walking up the steps to the church, guess what we find?  Another beautiful white bird feather.  I am now glowing, in awe and internally telling God how much I love Him and His ways!  I was so glad I was in church.  I was present to God's silent whispers to me reminding me that He must be first in all I do!

My Pastor, Glenn Bollinger's sermon was even timely and appropriately titled, "Where Do You Seek Him."  It was based on scripture 1 Kings 19:9-18.  The message was about being sensitive to God's presence in all things, everyday in our life.  Glenn revealed that "God speaks to us in the silence in expected and unexpected ways."  For me, it is always with bird feathers!

As Kendall and I were walking out of church down the sidewalk and steps, there laid more bird feathers!  If I wouldn't have been obedient this morning by listening to God's whisper to put Him first and go to church, I would have missed God's silent symbolism of His LOVE and affirmations for me.  Oh how God loves to show us His presence in all things if we are open and available to Him first in all of our life's details.

God is inviting and calling us to give our full attention to Him.  "Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One."  And what is the greatest commandment?  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength."  And the second greatest commandment is, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Will you make God first in all details of your life, loving him with all your heart, mind, body, soul and strength?  That is what He is calling us too!
"Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad." 

Feather Outside the Third Story Window

I have not made a post in over two months because I have been in Seminary summer school completing Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) serving as a Counselor and Chaplain at two sites:  Rockingham Memorial Hospital and Gemeinschaft Home which is a transition home for convicted felons rehabilitating them for re-entry back into society.  This has been an intense schedule with 40 hours per week clinical work, classroom time, homework, verbatims, working my professional job which is my livelihood while maintaining my personal schedule and obligations for my daughter and I.  It has been one of the most rewarding experiences for me though in my Seminary studies.  It has been a time of affirmation of my calling and direction where God is leading me.  I had a neat experience today at the hospital that I wanted to share.

As I was at the hospital today making visits, I was on the 3rd floor meeting with a patient.  As I was looking outside the window occasionally as I listened to the patient, I kept seeing a glimpse of something.  At first I thought it was a reflection of something in the window, and I kept looking behind me to see if there was anything or someone there causing the reflection.  There was nothing there.  Then I realized that it was a white feather.  At first I was in disbelief and doubted the fact, but as I looked closer, it was in fact a feather that was falling.  Then I guess the wind would catch it and it would ascend and descend again like a romantic, graceful dance before my eyes.  I wanted to keep staring at it, but I also did not want the patient to think that I was not listening, so I glanced away from the feather looking at the patient.  However, my curiosity and fascination was too great that I would continue to go back and forth from the feather to the patient.  The last time that I glanced away and looked back to the window, it was now gone.  I was sad, but also grateful that God had revealed Himself to me even in that most unlikely moment of seeing a feather. 

You see, for probably over a year now, God reveals Himself to me in profound ways and always the perfect time through bird feathers that are placed on my path in the most unlikely places.  On my journey, I have documented these unlikely encounters and I am always amazed when God shows up revealing Himself to me when I need affirmation. 

Prior to leaving my shift at the hospital, I always spend my last ten minutes in the hospital prayer room praying for my patients, doctors, nurses, staff and myself.  I was praising and thanking God for the way He revealed Himself to me in an ironic way through a feather outside of a patient's hospital room on the third floor. 

I instantly felt God's presence upon me with a warmth and tingling bodily sensation that radiated through my entire being.  I became emotional (and as I write this reflecting on my experience, I am now too emotional overcome with tears).  At this moment, God and I encountered each other in an intimate and intentional manner of mutual gratitude and love.  There is no greater feeling or experience than when God and I meet in divine union spontaneously in the most unlikely way.  Oh the mystery of His love and romance keeps wooing me in for more. 

Coming soon, I will have more personal reflections of my experience during these past ten weeks of how my CPE experience has allowed me to feel so alive with a new meaning of God being the Alpha and the Omega.  He is the beginning and the end as I have sat with others staring at the birth of new life and sitting with those gasping their last breathe.  It is in the middle of these two tensions where deep appreciation, purpose and meaning of life awakens the soul to feel connected to all and in union with the movement and the groaning of the universe.  I can't wait to share this with you!  Shalom.

God Stretching Me More!

photo credit: 
http://livinghiswordchurch.files.wordpress.com/

April 24th was my final exam which finished up my first full year in Seminary at Eastern Mennonite University.  This semester was one of the most intense and toughest ones for me yet.  I know it is only by God's grace that I have made it to this place thus far.  It is also profoundly touching to me where I truly get what it means to live and be moving in God's grace.  When I reflect what God has allowed me to accomplish in my weakness, hurt, pain and my personal shortcomings, I weep and am humbled in how or why God has chosen me for such a ministry.

During my week off from school, I slept a lot.  I didn't realize how exhausted I was.  I have been able to read books that have been on my reading list and not school assigned.  I have spent more one on one time with God in prayer, meditation and His word.  I also continue to do my own personal inner depth work with dream association and expressive arts.  I have worked on several mandalas this week which has been profound in what was revealed to me through them.  One of my favorite mandalas that I did was an image of God's hand at the center of my being revealing to me God's purpose and mission for my life.  I have known the calling, but there is something profound and mysterious that happens when God even shows up in unconscious ways through expressive arts.  I just continue to lay my hand on top of God's hand in the mandala.  I get emotional and weep when I do so.  I titled the mandala "Life Giving, Be Still & Peace of Mind."  With God at the center of my being leading and guiding me, He has revealed to me that He is increasing my service/mission, wisdom, love, grace and joy.  What a sacred place to be!

Thankfully, I also have been busy with real estate transactions as well.  That is my livelihood, but what I am noticing is that I am ministering to my clients in the middle of probably one of the most important and most expensive investments that they will make.  I am honored that I am able to assist them in discerning  their next move giving them peace and confidence in their transition.  I love companioning with my clients in this capacity.

So this week, I begin a month long summer school class on the Pentateuch.  I am really looking forward to it as I have grown fascinated with the Old Testament.  I have always focused more on the New Testament, but I am sensing a special calling to immerse myself in the Old Testament.  I too have found out that I have a soulful connection to the language, Hebrew in which I will be continuing further studies in the fall and spring semesters.  There is something that is emerging that I am unsure of how to name it.



photo credit: 
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In June, God will really be stretching me as I complete my Chaplaincy/Counseling.  I will be at Gemeinschaft Home which is a resident home for male convicted felons being rehabilitated for reentry into society.  Restorative justice issues is a passion of mine.  I know that will also be a part of my greater ministry so along with my Seminary degree, I am going to add the Certificate for Restorative Justice through the Center for Justice and Peace at Eastern Mennonite University.  I am being called to help facilitate healing for individuals, their families and the community as a whole.  I also will be serving as Chaplain at Rockingham Memorial Hospital as well. 

I am humbled and excited in how God is going to stretch me more over these next few months because I know that I will experience even more of God's supernatural grace.  I am expectant to encounter God in new mysterious ways.  Let the stretching begin!  I will keep you posted in what my experiences are in the stretching!  Peace and blessings! 

Befriending Our Shadow

This morning I was awakened at 3:30 am from a dream.  I keep a journal beside my bed and write down all of my dreams because dreams are revealing inner depth work.  Dreams can often be prophetic but most often they reveal unconscious parts of ourselves that is trying to come forth.  During our sleep, our defense mechanisms are down while often our inferior parts are revealed to us through individuals that show up in our dreams and even symbolism from objects.  Everything that shows up in our dreams is a part of us both good and bad.  Anyway, as I was finishing writing my dream down before I could even do associations with them, God downloaded words to me where I just started writing effortlessly.  It is about how we must befriend our shadow parts of self.

Before pointing a blaming or judging finger,

Look back at yourself.
What you despise in others,
It is also within you!
It is your dark shadow self,
That you have avoided acknowledging.
It is screaming for your attention,
So you project it on to others.
You are too ashamed to claim it.
But I tell you...
Recognize, acknowledge and accept it.
Befriend your shadow part.
When you do,
It no longer controls you.
You create unity within yourself,
That releases your creativity,
Revealing your full potential.
It is a life giving energy waiting for birth.

Anxiety becomes life giving energy.
Bitterness becomes a work for justice.
Control becomes a discerning leader.
Defensiveness becomes openness to transformation.
Fear becomes Love.

Abandonment becomes spiritual partners.
Impatience becomes waiting with expectancy.
Jealously become hospitality.
Suffering becomes compassion.
Wounded victim becomes wounded healer.

 For all of the social injustices of the world of poverty, sex trafficking, prostitutions rings, oppression, war, violence, inequality, racial discrimination and hate crimes, it emerges out of one’s own fear to control and manipulate others.  Often it is fear that fuels an unrelenting stereotypical opinion that divides all in the name of religion or politics.  Richard Rohr, an author, pastor and founder of The Center for Action and Contemplation in New Mexico, describes this as dualistic thinking.  What he means is that individuals have either a right or wrong opinion; it is black or white with no gray area, or even perhaps conservatism or liberalism.  In dualistic thinking we become paralyzed with such rigid beliefs and opinions that we don't have the capacity to listen and hold other individuals opinions with respect.  One of my many favorite books, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,  by Steven Covey, says that "we must seek to understand before we can be understood."  Covey says that we get so caught up in wanting to be heard that we don't listen to the other individual.  We also get caught up in our own narrative that we don't listen with discernment.  Covey suggests four reasons of why we do this. 

"Because you so often listen autobiographically, you tend to respond in one of four ways:

Evaluating:	You judge and then either agree or disagree.
Probing:	You ask questions from your own frame of reference.
Advising:	You give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
Interpreting:	You analyze others' motives and behaviors based on your own experiences."

I agree with Covey’s opinion, but I would like to further posit that we also must seek to understand ourselves.  This is probably the most important work.  What is it about our narrative that has made us who we are?  Once we understand our own story of where we come from, acknowledge our own hurts and trauma, we can then have the capacity and space within ourselves to listen and hold others beliefs and opinions without becoming defensive.  We no longer act out in belligerent hateful ways to others because within ourselves we have cultivated a self-love for our own narrative and experience.  We nurture our own hurts and trauma by looking at all of the good and bad parts or the abraxas parts of self.  It is by befriending our shadow parts of self that we cultivate a deep well of compassion that wells up within us that begins to overflow.  When it is overflowing from us, we are overjoyed and freely give it away to others no matter where they have been, what they have done or how they have hurt us.  We have a new lens that we look back at to individuals who have deeply hurt us with compassion knowing that they don’t have the capacity to give us what we need.  They are projecting their own unfinished work of their own hurts and trauma on to us.

However, the way to heal from this is by knowing our own inferior and shadow parts of self by acknowledging them.  Once we do, light is given to these dark places and they no longer control us.  We become our true self of who God called and created us to be thus creating unity within ourselves but also hopefully one step closer of creating transformation,  peace and unity with our brothers and sisters.  It is my opinion that this is the peace that God wants us to receive.  In Matthew 6:10, it states “your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”  It begins with us individually and we can create our own peace.  So before you point a finger to judge or blame someone, turn your finger back to yourself and ask:

1.  Where does this shadow or inferior thought come from within my own narrative?

2.  What can this inferior thought teach me about myself that I need to work on?

3.  What is the positive or creative part of this inferior thought that can be released by me acknowledging it?

This work is a gift that we give to ourselves where we can begin to heal our soul.  Our soul is groaning for healing along with the rest of the world.  In Romans 8:22, it is told that “We know that the whole creation has been groaning in labor pains until now.”  Our souls are groaning and longing for union with the Divine.  Once this unity is achieved with our own soul care, we become illuminated by God’s indwelling presence where we begin to exude love for all.  We open a space that has removed the obstacles of darkness that gives us more room for God to fully dwell within our temple.  “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” 1 Corinthians 6:19.  It is here at this place that we receive God’s peace, wellness and whole-being.  Shalom!

photo credits from various websites:  https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaK10M3yN_J8RP7rHqnUdcTUCDPJ0lQx6EV4bc6w2jVkJIeN15kGj_6avFeW5CuNtUFjrGO9FF-ba0QFimUDSPSM2Zo7wYvB2ESU9t9ENZ8HLbxL_B13fc_edWcj9pLdqTXzxsgLtjz6Q/s1600/shadow+two.jpg
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Lost in Thought at Lost River: Where Are You God?

This past week has been my spring break from school, but it certainly has not felt like a break.  All week I have done homework, reading, research, written papers, while also listing and negotiating contracts for real estate which is my livelihood.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for a week of no classes because I am not sure how I would have accomplished all of this.  However, this morning I was feeling the need to just get away for the day and to just let go of thoughts, burdens and a restlessness that I have been experiencing.  I needed to feel and know that God was present with me.  I have been in silence and waiting mode for God just as He has instructed me, but I have to admit, it sometimes gets weary waiting.  I have found myself questioning and asking, "Where are you God?, Are you even hearing my prayers?, What more do you want from me?, How long must I wait?

So I got in my car and headed north on Route 42 and ended up at Lost River State Park off of Rt. 259 in West Virginia.  I parked my car and was immediately drawn to the water.  I sat on a rock wall that overlooked the stream bed that meandered between the forks of the rolling mountainside.  The sun was beaming down on me and it felt so delightful!  It was peaceful listening to the water flowing through the stream, but I could also hear the water rolling out of the mountains as the sun and nearly 60 degree temperatures was melting the snow.  As I was sitting there, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit upon me as my body trembled uncontrollably and I wept.  I really needed to feel God's presence today because I have been praying and asking God where He has been.  I have unanswered prayers and the only thing I keep hearing from God is to wait.  I must also admit that I have voiced and cried out my frustrations at God because I have done each thing He has put before me and asked me to do.  I have been on this God-led spiritual journey now for nearly five years.  This journey certainly was not my plan.  God knows that I have resisted and at times flat out rebelled against  this calling.  During this wrestling period with God, He assured me to trust and believe that He is orchestrating and working on my behalf to answer my prayers.  God never revealed to me though how long I must wait to see the manifestation of my prayers.

I ended up walking through Lost River State Park.  It was like I had the entire park to myself.  As I was walking, I felt the sun radiating upon me and I was inhaling deeply the pine scent.  I gazed up to the blue clear sky.  I was in awe of the towering pines and how the sunlight glistened through. 

Once I finished exploring Lost River State Park, I decided to make a stop at the cabin where I spent a week in solitude with God over Christmas break.  As I walked into the cabin, I was overcome with emotion as I reflected on that special week that I had with Ginger not knowing I would be putting her to sleep the following week.  I sat on the front porch overlooking the five mountain ranges into Mt. Storm.  I sat in the rocking chair and said, "okay God I am here, where are you at?  I really need to hear from you."  Again, I felt God's presence and became emotional weeping as I sat there.  While sitting in the rocking chair, I prayed and asked God to reveal a message through scripture to me.  I randomly opened my Bible and then the wind caught some pages of my Bible and it opened up to the book of James.  The subheading in James 1 is Trials and Temptations.  Verses 2-18 reads:

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. 9 The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position. 10 But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his business. 12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16 Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits of all he created.  

God did reveal to me through this scripture that He sees and knows my struggles and burdens.  I sat there in silence and meditated until my feet were frozen.  I asked God, "Is there anything else you want to reveal to me before I leave?"  At that time, two red headed woodpeckers flew into a tree that was in front of me.  That too is symbolic and also reassured me that God is hearing my prayers.  I stood there watching them scurrying along the tree.  I watched as each woodpecker went inside and out of holes in the tree.  Then I heard the scripture in Matthew 6:26-27 that says:  ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  Another affirmation of not to worry or doubt!  Before I left, I thanked God and said, "I Love You."

As I left the cabin, I decided to drive over Shenandoah Mountain the back way to Moorefield.  As I experienced God's nature and scenery, I would stop and meditate or take photos of His beauty.  As I was going up the mountain, I passed three bicyclists who were ascending the mountain.  They were in amazing shape, and I was impressed at the pace they were going.  Once I got to the top of the mountain and saw the road sign that showed the next three miles are windy and all downhill, I thought oh how those bicyclists are going to enjoy the downward ride.  I realized that is exactly what my spiritual journey has been like.  It seems like it has been bumpy and all up hill with no sight of the mountain top.  If I want to see the mountaintop and enjoy the downward descent, I must keep pressing onward even when I feel like quitting.  If I don't keep peddling up the mountain, I will never know if God answers my prayer requests or not.  

The drive was so pretty with the mountain ridges still covered in snow.  The dirt roads were in a sloppy and slushy mess.  My white vehicle was now splattered with red mountain clay.  Along the way I saw deer and amazing landscape.  

Once I got to Moorefield, WVA I headed toward Petersburg.  What I noticed along the way is that I was following the river.  For those of you that follow my blog, you know how much I am connected to water.  I crossed over the Potomac River and came upon a park along the side the road.  The park is between the road and a rocky mountain cliff with a railroad track that follows the base of the mountain cliff.  The river is also at the base of that cliff.  I ended up spending time there at the river enjoying the scenery.  

Next I got onto Rt. 220 South and headed toward Franklin, WVA.  As I was driving, I was reflecting on how much I saw God today.  This restlessness that I had been feeling was my body revealing to me its longing to be with God one on one in His beauty and nature.  It is when I am in nature that I feel the closest to God.

As I entered into Franklin, I decided to have supper at Fireside Diner which used to be Thompsons.  When did that change?  I really need to get out more :)  I took my journal in with me and wrote this blog while I ate and enjoyed watching the locals  coming in and interacting with each other.  They were beginning to get really busy, and I had already been there for an hour and a half.  So I decided it was time for me to get back across the mountain. 

Driving up Rt. 33 mountain that overlooks into Brandywine, I just kept staring at the sunset.  It was amazing and looked like brush strokes across the sky.  I could even see a "V" in the sky, but it really doesn't show up in my photos.  I heard the word "Victory".  God assured me again that He has already won the victory and for me to stop doubting and worrying.  On the way down the mountain a song came on the radio by Christy Nockels, "Waiting Here For You."  Yes, I know, WAITING again!  "Waiting Here For You."  What is ironic to me is that I had been surrounded by mountains all day so I had a fresh perspective of how great and majestic the mountains are.  The lyrics are, 

If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move
We come with expectation
Waiting here for you, I’m waiting here for you

You’re the Lord of all creation
And still you know my heart
The Author of Salvation
You’ve loved us from the start

Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia

You are everything You’ve promised
Your faithfulness is true
And we're desperate for Your presence
All we need is You

Singing Alleluia
So I found God!  But what I realized He was never missing.  He has been with me the entire time, but I wasn't making time to be present with Him in all of my busyness.  He has also been consistent with His message to me which is "WAIT."  I am so glad that God never gets tired of me questioning and seeking answers.  I am so grateful that God was so affirming and present with me even though I still got the same answer to still "WAIT."  So, yes, I am still a lady in waiting, but one with expectancy! 

I wonder if you have ever had a similar experience of "WAITING?"  If so, share it with me.  I would love to hear about it!

Mandala Anyone?

I first became acquainted with mandalas during my time of study at Eastern Mennonite University in the Master of Arts Counseling program.  Mandalas originated from Sanskrit which is the ancient language of India.  The word mandala means "sacred circle." 

A mandala is basically a drawn circle with images, colors, and designs within that circle.  Psychoanalyst, Carl G. Jung used mandalas with his patients and himself as a way of acknowledging the "inner self."  Jung believed that mandalas portrayed our inner experience at that moment.  He believed it was a way for us to experience our inner world with the chaotic outer world which could bring us into union with ourselves to a feeling of wholeness.

I personally color and create my own mandalas.  I have been amazed at how revealing they are of my inner world when I can't put literal words to what I am experiencing.  Once I have finished or completed a mandala, I spend time with it doing associations with the colors or what the designs may symbolically reveal to me. 

The most extensive mandala that I have ever created was last spring 2013.  I keep a daily journal of my reflections, how I experience God, inspirations from God which sometimes becomes a written devotional, and last and probably my most important work is I log my dreams.  Dreams are the unconscious part of our psyche that is trying to come forth to reveal parts of ourselves to us when our defenses are less activated.  Every person and symbol that shows up in our dream is a part of us.  When we do associations with these parts of ourselves, both inferior and good parts are being brought to our awareness.  When we can integrate all of these parts of ourselves into union with each other, we can experience peace, wellness and wholeness.

So last spring I created a mandala based on my dreams that God revealed to me.  I first drew it in my journal and it was so sacred to me that I decided to create a glass mosaic of it.  It was my journey with God of recklessly abandoning my false self and God taking me to my inner depths.  God revealed to me that He shattered my previous way of being and was now leading me into ministry and what He created me to be and do.  Here is a photo of it.  It is 22 inches in circumference with a wooden frame I had custom made for it.

Today I sat down and began to color a mandala because I have an inner stirring and restlessness within me that I can't name.  Here is a picture of it and this is what God revealed to me.  The purple is at my inner most depth and soul and represents the Holy Spirit within me.  It is  from this place that as my own seeds have been planted, the spirit is also dispersing seeds beyond and through me.  The yellow is God's light and blessing in this process and work that is taking place.  Red is the passion that is being birthed.  Green is the growth that is taking place even though it doesn't seem to be much happening.  I am assured though that it is coming to fruition.  The orange is abundant and it is the harvest that is coming.  The blue is the spirit of protection and peace while all of this is taking place within and without me.

There is a lot that is stirring and it now makes sense to me what I am experiencing.  I would encourage you to try to color your own mandala.  There are several websites that offer free, printable mandalas.  If you decide to take this up, please share with me your mandala and reflection of your experience.  I would love to hear from you!

 

Waxing & Waning to the Rhythm of Life

image credit:  http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2681/4228573741_f915ecf81c_o.jpg

It is nearly 1 am, Monday, February 10, 2014.  After my time of prayer, devotions and sitting silently in the presence of the Lord, I was ready to turn the light off and go to bed.  No sooner than I turned the light off, my attention was drawn to my window where light was coming in.  In the darkness, I was stumbling and feeling my way around my bedroom to get to the window.  I believed I knew where the light was coming from, but I just had to see if my self.  Sure enough, it was light radiating from the moon.  I pushed back my window sheer and stood there in awe. 

As early as I can remember, I always had a fascination with the night sky, the stars and the moon.  The moon is a feminine energy so maybe that is my pull and draw to the moon.  When I was a kid, I remember in the summer time going outside in my pajamas with a blanket.  I would lie under the night sky looking up at the stars and moon.  I would try to figure out the constellations and just lie there relaxing, wondering and dreaming of what could be.

I got tired of standing at the window and decided to lie down on my back comfortably and meditate upon the night sky, the stars, and the moon.  I wanted to reflect on what was being evoked within me.  I invited the Holy Spirit in to my presence asking what may be revealed to me during this time.  There is only three feet between my bed and the wall where the window is facing out toward the moon.  Yes, I crouched down, maneuvered myself into this space into a position flat on my back with my legs crossed Indian style resting them up on my wall.  I know this doesn't sound too comfortable, but it actually was.

As I laid there asking God to reveal to me the significance of the night sky, the stars and the moon in my waking life, I was amazed at what was revealed to me.  The dark night sky is vast with things seen and unseen.  We can't even begin to comprehend how far reaching God's sky, heaven and galaxies are.  There are things in the sky that we can't see with the naked eye.  There are things still undiscovered despite our advances with technology.  God revealed to me that the night sky is just like our souls.  There are things at the inner depths of our souls that are still undiscovered, unseen and never experienced yet.  It is there waiting to be discovered, revealed and in divine union with God.

Then the stars, some are bright, some faint, and some even unseen.  The stars are similar to our spiritual gifts that God has equipped us with.  Some of our spiritual gifts are manifest or dominate, some are latent gifts that we don't utilize often while others have not been recognized or acknowledged yet.  I have done several tests that help you determine what your manifest and latent gifts are.  The beauty is, there are more hidden gifts that God wants to reveal to us so that we can experience Him and our life here on earth in a more life giving way. 

Lastly, the moon!  Aww the moon!  I get warm and fuzzies even mentioning the moon.  The moon would be similar to us "I" or the true self.  Just like the moon that waxes and wanes, so does the "I".  Each night, week, month, season, and even at certain times of the year, the moon is waxing and waning with the rhythms of life.  The important message of the "I" waxing and waning is the personal question to yourself, "Am I being true to myself "I", and who God created me to be and do?"  Do "I" know who I am in Christ so that no matter what moon phase "I" am experiencing, am I responding to the rhythms of life, no matter what they may be, in a life giving way?  The night sky, the stars and the moon don't resist God's natural order.  "I" too need to live my life just like the night sky, stars, and moon waxing and waning in total abandonment and submission to God's order for my life.  When "I" am being true to myself, self-love can be experienced which overflows into others.

I personally can often overlook God's natural order of waxing and waning with the rhythm of life because my flesh of knowing, wanting and desiring can get in the way or even disrupt this rhythm.  You ask me how can I be sure of this?  I can say that as I sat in this position meditating, I trembled internally knowing that the Holy Spirit was upon me and revealed this to me.  The Holy Spirit is inviting us to surrender and submit to God's natural order for the waxing and waning in our life.  Yes, this can be and is an uncomfortable place to be.  Why?  Because in our flesh, we don't like to give up control, we don't like the unknown, we like to be who we want to be and sadly we care more of what others think of us instead of what God thinks of us.  We just try to fit in with the next new fad, social group or event.  The Holy Spirit is inviting us to submit ourselves, our day, trials, burdens and order to the waxing and waning of the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit wants to lead and guide us in the way that we should go revealing to us who we are in Christ. 

How does one find this experience?  It begins by earnestly seeking to encounter the Holy Spirit.  Find a space to sit in the silence, deny yourself of flesh desires, submit to God's will, be in solitude and even experience loneliness.   Yes, it may seem that we may be walking against the way of the world, and we are, but there is no desire here on earth worth more than the eternal glory that we will experience at the right hand of our Heavenly Father. 

This work that we commit to now here on earth is only a stepping stone in preparing our souls for this glorious experience in heaven.  I wonder if we will be ready for it?  It is my prayer that we all will be ready for it.  In God's grip and peace!