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My semester break has been one of God taking me even deeper into the inner depths of my sinfulness. This is one of the most painful truths and realizations that I have had to acknowledge within myself. Not only has it been painful mentally, emotionally and spiritually, but also physically. I have experienced God rooting out hidden sinful desires within my heart. My heart has ached, it has throbbed and pulsated to the point that it has felt like my heart was in my throat. There is nothing that I can do except sit in prayer and meditation breathing through the throbs. I would just keep repeating and asking, "God, please help me and take this away." It made me restless and there was no escape from it. Sleep was even difficult as I laid my head down on my pillow and asked God to just wake me up when He was done and it was all over. He didn't answer that prayer either because I believe God wants me to feel the consequences of purging my sin. By recognizing my desperate need in my suffering, I understand the depth and need of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe if I don't understand fully the suffering of Jesus' death for our sins, then I can't fully understand or comprehend the significance of His resurrection. This understanding is crucial to my obedience in how I live everyday to become Christ like so that I can live out His purpose and will for my life.
Finally as I am writing this, the throbbing and pulsating is subsiding where I am now noticing a warmth of love radiating through my chest. No longer do I feel like my heart is in my throat. I believe God wanted me to acknowledge His restorative and redeeming work in me.
God's restorative work in me has also made me keenly aware of past relationships, circumstances and/or actions where I have hurt others or acted in inappropriate ways that were ignorant and/or spiritually immature. I publically want to make these wrongs right by saying I am truly sorry for any hurt or pain that I may have caused. As my time as a hospital chaplain, I got to sit with individuals who were nearing death. What I noticed is that those individuals who had confessed regrets and remorse to me for unreconciled relationships and wrongs in their life, they experienced the most difficult time of letting go and dying. I don't want to be that person with unreconciled relationships or wrongs in my life. I want to be able to die well and that means that I must live well today and each day until God calls me to my eternal resting place.
For me, this means that each day I should ask myself how I can participate with God in His Kingdom to fulfill His mission of restoring creation. I end with this prayer.
God, I pray today and each and every day that not just me, but for all of my brothers and sisters that you will continue to increase our eyesight so that we can see the way you see. Give us your heart so that we feel for others the way that you love them right where they are at. Give us your thoughts to increase our insights of how we can achieve justice for all. Give us your Spirit of consolation so that we can continually be fully present with others in truth, love, mercy and grace. Protect us God from the enemy attacks that deceive to divide us. Make us aware to discern evil spirits so that we can intercede to create healing, peace, transformation and unity among our brothers and sisters. Equip us for this battle to be warriors against the enemy and not against our brothers and sisters. Thank you God for your continued love and hope in humanity. Thank you for being with us in all of our messiness where you still love us the same. Amen
Resource credits for photos:
http://www.eaministries.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/herestoresmysoul.jpg
http://victoryinternational.org/main/wp-content/uploads/banner_road_to_restoration_02.jpg
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