For the past few weeks since my initial doctor visit at UVA about my upcoming surgeries, I have had to go to UVA for more tests and visits sometimes twice a week. When UVA calls to verify my appointment, each time they ask screening questions: Have you been out of the state of Virginia?Have you been around anyone with or suspected of COVID? Have you had a temperature, cough, red eyes, shortness of breath, sore throat, sore muscles, joint pain, etc. Then the last instruction is that no one can come in with you to the appointment. If they do, they must remain outside. No Visitors Are Allowed.
So I personally made the drive across the mountain to my first set of all day appointments at three different locations. My first appointment was a pelvic ultrasound which I have never had before and it did not sound like something that I would enjoy too much either. All of this has happened so quickly and at times it seems surreal that none of this is true. I look and feel like I am a very healthy female. This has been frustrating to me because I feel the healthiest that I have felt in a long time not only physically but emotionally and mentally. It concerns me of how this surgery is going to affect my hormones, the chemicals in my brain that might trigger my major depression, the physical toll that this is going to take on my body and then processing the emotional and mental affects that "me", as I know myself in bodily appearance will not look the same again. I am losing a part of me physically, and I do not know how this is going to affect me emotionally and mentally as I adjust to my new body appearance with scars and new look. I know that as a result of this surgery, I will not be the same again on so many levels.
As I was lying on the table for the ultrasound of my ovaries and pelvic, I was holding myself to keep from peeing because I was required to drink 32 oz of water prior to my appointment. I stared at a lighted picture on the ceiling. It was vibrant and bright with fuschia flowers and trees that was highlighted by the blue skies and clouds. With the clouds, I would look for face images or animal figures to distract me from the uncomfortable and vulnerable position that I was in. In the one tree as I was staring at a face, I saw the tree branches had given me a message. I wish I could draw it for you of what I saw, but just imagine looking at tree branches that create the image of, I love you. The love was actually an image of a heart. This comforted me knowing that Jesus was right there with me giving me a message, "I love you."
God never ceases to amaze me that when I am at my most vulnerable position, God speaks and lets me know He is right there with me and that everything is going to be alright. I even laughed to myself that even though No Visitors Are Allowed, there was Jesus with me. Nothing can keep Him separated or away from me.
My next appointment was for a breast MRI that was explained to me that it examines and picks up any and every cell. Since I am BRCA1, they are doing more extensive testing than a regular annual exam. Again, I have never felt so uncomfortable, in a very vulnerable position face down with my arms above my head and breasts hanging down from the table with men nurses positioning me for the MRI. It was so uncomfortable because you have pressure on your sternum, your neck is in an uncomfortable position and my arms were aching in pain with spasms beginning. Before they put me in the MRI machine, they asked me for my choice of music that I would like to listen to during the procedure. I asked for contemporary christian music. The very first song to play was, "God's Not Done Writing Your Story." Just like that, even though No Visitors Are Allowed, there was Jesus.
Once this procedure was completed, I went to the locker where they put my clothes. I didn't know it earlier, but they had put my clothes in locker number 44. God speaks to me oftentimes through numbers. The number 44 has been significant to me. God has often showed me the number 44 during major transitions in my life. The biblical meaning of the number 44 is about God's divine order and timing. There was Jesus again......
As I was praying about all that had happened, God took me to Jonah 2 about Jonah's prayer for deliverance. What spoke to me was that even though Jonah was in the belly of the whale in sheol (his desperate and lowliest place), Jonah continued to seek God saying, "Yet I will look again toward your holy temple" (vs 4). Jonah continued to pray as he felt consumed by his circumstance and the overwhelming feeling of being consumed by the deep waters and seas. Jonah remembered the Lord. He prayed to the Lord and said, "He will give thanksgiving to the Lord and he was delivered from the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land."
I too, no matter what I may be asked to face or endure, I will do it with thanksgiving knowing that deliverance and salvation is from the Lord who will be with me no matter what. I only need to be obedient and a witness to God's merciful works. As I am entering into unchartered territory, God reminded me through these appointments despite the No Visitors Are Allowed order, that nothing restricts or keeps Jesus from me. Remember beautiful ones, Jesus is with us and will not forsaken us. Amen. ~ Pastor LaDawn
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