Lady in Waiting: How Long God?

After hearing so clearly from God for the past few months, I am now at a place of complete silence.  As you recall, I was led to sell my home in which God revealed to me was necessary in order for the next door to open.  Now that I have closed on my home, God has become silent and I am wondering what has changed, where is God, and why hasn't that next door opened yet?  I wonder why God wants me to be at a place where I am often made to feel inferior, it creates emotional duress on me and raises a lot of painful memories for me? 

I wonder if there is a lesson or something that God is trying to refine within me during this time of silence and waiting.  I continue to be still and present with God in prayer and meditation, but I must admit that it is disappointing and my patience is wearing thin. 

Tuesday evening I visited the Rockingham County Fair to watch some of Kendall's friends, who I also call my kids, to show their market lambs.  Once I left there, I went to Michaels to pick up a reproduction of a portrait that I bought probably over 8 years ago at the San Diego Museum of Art by William Bouguereau who was a French painter.  This portrait that I bought was titled "The Young Shepherdess."  It is a portrait of a young lady standing in a barren desert field watching over sheep.  She is looking over her shoulder with curiosity and wonderment.

At the time, I did not now know why the portrait profoundly spoke to me.  Now as I reflect on it this young lady was seeking something more.  However, the young lady did not know what she was seeking and fell into the temptation of seeking worldly, flesh desires such as ambition, success, career, material and physical fulfillment.  That young lady was me!

Little did I know that those worldly things would make it appear that I had it all together on the outside, but ultimately I would be left feeling empty, unfulfilled, alone, rejected and abandoned on the inside.  What I didn't know was that deeper, longing that I was so desiring was a deeper more intimate relationship with God.  Oh, if I only would have known that it was only God that could fill my longing that I could have avoided a lot of heartache and pain. Yes, that young lady was me!  I was standing in a barren desert just like the portrait, vulnerable with no shoes on. 

Now when I look at the portrait that I finally had framed at this divine time, I still see me, but in a new way.  I have found God and I am experiencing Him in amazing and supernatural ways that I never thought possible.  For some reason though, God has gone silent and I am not hearing or experiencing Him like I usually do.  So now I see this young lady (me) "waiting"; waiting to hear from God what my next steps are and to open doors for me.

What is it in the silence and waiting that God is revealing to me?  I then recalled that Jesus too had to wait upon God in the wilderness, the garden and the tomb.  In all of these instances of waiting, God revealed the fruit of waiting.  One of my most favorite books, "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, she says that waiting is both passive and passionate.  She found that this Latin root, pati, means to endure.  She described this as a time of "descending into self, into God and into the deeper labyrinths of prayer."  It also means facing "the wounded holes in the soul, the denied and undiscovered, as well as the places one lives falsely."  Basically it entails looking at the painful truths of who we really are and allowing God to mold us into who He intended us to be before we strayed off the narrow path.  This takes much courage and often times a great deal of pain in doing so.

On my own personal journey and inner work, God has revealed these painful truths in me.  He first had to shatter my world and my way of being by recklessly abandoning myself.  This process took a lot of bold courage to go through this process.  Once I began the process, it took a diligent effort to continue to press inward and forward of what God was stripping me of and revealing to me.  This process has increased my faith in knowing that God is working all things for the greater good even though I can't see or comprehend His ways.  In Hebrews 11:1 it says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  It is at this place where our faith in all circumstance regardless if our prayers are answered or not, He gives us a peace and contentment that guards our mind, body, soul and spirit that keeps us close to Him which God so desires from us.

So during this waiting period, God has revealed to me that He is refining qualities within me of:

• recklessly abandoning myself of what I used to know and be
• giving me bold courage to do each absurd thing that He puts before me without me questioning and doubting it
• diligence and steadfastness to stay on the path where He is directing me
• increased faith and hope for the things that I can't see, but knowing that He will provide just rewards and blessings
• contentment and peace knowing that everything has a purpose and to sit where God has me
• PATIENCE!

Yes, lastly patience.  This must be what God is refining and working in me.  My patience is wearing thin.  What is so important about patience?  If I know the vision that God has placed on my heart, why must I wait?  Why can't I go ahead and unfold the next steps?  I believe I just answered my own question or God has convicted and revealed to me that it is not my vision, not my plan, nor is it for my glory to do this in my own strength.  WHOA!  So yeah, I need to work on my patience and wait for God.  What He has revealed to me is that when I go before Him and His plan, I am basically saying that I don't need God and that I don't trust or believe in His way or plans.

Brad Kuster, pastor of The Place from Kentucky said, "there is a voice of truth raising up crying in the wilderness (or my case the desert) to make crooked paths straight.  He said we should say Yes to this time of waiting to make our paths straight.  He shared that the Hebrew meaning of the word wait is Kava which means to wait with hope and expectancy.  So as God is refining me to be more patient, I wait with hope and expectancy as He puts things into His order and His timing for His glory and not mine.  Brady Kuster also shared that "there is power and perseverance to those who wait."  During this waiting period there are lessons to be learned.

• Perseverance - Isaiah 40:31 says, "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  We will not fade or waver in God's will or plan for our lives no matter what circumstances we are faced with.
• Total dependency on God - God must be our first love in every aspect and detail of our lives.  We must recognize our weaknesses and neediness for Him in all areas of our life.
• See the vision and circle it in prayer - Just as Jericho circled the city wall seven times, we must also circle our prayers, dreams and visions with praise as if it had already happened and been answered because what God places on our hearts, He keeps His promises.  Mark Batterson says, "don't just pray through it, but praise through it."  Too often we don't see results or get the answered prayers in our timing and we give up too soon before the miracle happens or is answered.  We settle for less in our flesh desires for instant gratification.

God wants to work in our lives in a mighty way revealing to us His glory, so don't give up!  Continue to trust and believe and say Yes to each and everything that God puts before you.  But we must wait for His instruction before doing so.  He even gives us supporting scripture urging us to wait in Psalm 25:5 Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long; Psalm 130:6 I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning; Hosea 12:6 But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always; Habakkuk 2:3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false.  Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay; Romans 8:25  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 

So therefore, I am saying Yes!  Yes I am a lady in waiting upon God realizing that there are no short cuts for answered prayers during this process.  God is in control and He is orchestrating order in His eternal time to birth and unfold His plans accordingly.

I am, A Lady in Waiting!  How about you?  Can you relate to the silence and waiting?  I would love to hear your story.