I Am That Woman: Remorseful Sinner With A Jar, Weeping!

On my spiritual journey with God, He has been taking me deeper into the depths of my soul revealing more hidden and masked sin from my past.  The Holy Spirit has convicted me of my inappropriate and poor choices in my past.  As I acknowledge who I used to be, I weep with sorrow for my sinful nature.  My tears are also of thankfulness and gratitude for God rescuing me from the deep pit of despair to my near self-destruction.

As I have reflected on where I was and where God has brought me, I realized that "I am that woman...the woman with the alabaster jar of perfume" in Matthew 26:6-13; Mark14:1-8; and Luke 7:36-50.  I found images on the internet of the woman at Jesus' feet.  I can only stare and repeat, "that is me, that is me."  I was that woman who lived a sinful life, but now have come to realize the depth of what Jesus did for me by wiping away my debt.

I have always professed of being a Christian.  I went to church sometimes regularly and sometimes intermittently on Sundays, but I was not in an intimate relationship with God allowing the Holy Spirit to guide and lead my choices and decisions.  I was going through the motions of showing up on Sunday's doing my time in the pews.  I served and volunteered my time as well justifying my deeds.  However, I was living out of my own comfort of flesh and worldly desires which satisfied me in the short term, but soon come to realize that I was empty, void and doing great harm to my soul which also inadvertently affected others close around me adversely. 

In September 2009, I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ by being re-baptized in Beaver Creek.  That week, it had rained really hard and there was a cold front that had went through.  My pastor, Glenn Bollinger, had to go and make a new place in Beaver Creek for the baptism because the normal spot was too deep.  The water was so cold that day that I had to walk in slowly trying to get my body accustomed to it.  The first time I was dunked in the name of the Father, it took my breath and I felt like I could not breathe.  Little did I know at the time, that this experience was going to be a metaphor for my spiritual journey of going to the inner depths of my soul in order to find God's living, sustaining waters that would sometimes leave me gasping for air shedding many, many tears.  It has been a slow, painful transformational process of God graciously peeling back the many layers of a lifetime of hidden sin and past decay.  I often think of it as if I am similar to an onion where each layer is being peeled off with a welling up of tears streaming down my face as I endure the harsh, strong odor of the onion.  I never realized the depth of this work that God would be doing within me of uprooting and purging my soul.  This has been the most painful work and discipline I have ever endured in my entire life.  I also realize that it is the most essential spiritual discipline that I must commit to of self-examining myself each and every day.

My commitment to walk out my faith to one of serving Jesus Christ has become a spiritual discipline of where I discern and ask myself the same life giving questions each day.  These questions are:  1.  Do my choices and decisions align with God's word and truth in scriptures?  2.  Is it the truth?  3.  Is it pleasing to God?  4.  Is it pure in heart, words, deeds, actions and thoughts? 5.  It is in God's will for me?  6.  Am I living transparently every day?  7.  Will it glorify God and further His kingdom? 

Even though God's love, grace, and mercy has rescued and saved me, I know that I still have negative and false parts within me because of the fallen world I was born into of original sin.  To help remind me of this fact, I wear two cross bracelets most days.  One is a cross with black beads on it that reminds me that everyday I have to look and go to the inner dark depths within myself called shadow parts.  It is painful to look at these dark places within myself, but one that is necessary so that God can continue to transform me into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ.  The second cross bracelet that I wear is white pearl looking beads.  It reminds me that I have to do the deep dark inner work in order for God to release my creative, full potential that is within me waiting to be birthed and unfolded.  It gets obstructed by the unacknowledged and unrecognized dark shadow parts of self.  I praise God for revealing this to me and the gift of His Son who rescued and saved a sinner like me. 

So yes, I am no different than the woman with the alabaster jar of perfume that wept at Jesus' feet, dried his feet with her hair and poured her perfume onto his feet out of her deepest love and adoration for what He had done for her.  Out of my own remorse, I recognize that He redeemed and is continually restoring my soul in which I willingly participate with this lifetime of ongoing work.  I too am at Jesus' feet deeply in love giving my heart and self to God as a gift back to Him for what He has done for me.  Amen!