All I Could See Was the Struggle

On Tuesday I discovered that I had lost my wallet with my cash and bank card.  I frantically started to retrace my steps and knew that I lost it somewhere between our Monday evening stop at the Rite Aid, our walk on the beach or when we returned to our condo.  I was looking everywhere!  I looked in my car I know at least 5 times, I looked all over the condo, and even traced steps outside.  Then it hit me that I had taken the trash out to the dumpster, so yes, I went to the dumpster found our trash bag and even dug through the nasty trash bag.  Nothing! 

Next I began the daunting task of calling my bank to discontinue my two bank accounts.  In the middle of all of this, I texted a friend and asked for prayers who also sent out a text to other prayer partners asking for prayer.  I also tried to keep my composure and to continue to trust and pray through all of this.  It was not an easy task because now I had no money at all and I knew it would take $100 in gas money to get us home in which I did not have access too.  I called my mom and told her what happened.  Our cousin was with her and she did not hesitate one bit and said that she would go to the Western Union and send me money for us to stay at Myrtle Beach and continue our vacation.  She said this was not going to cut our vacation short when that is all she had to do.  I was ready to come home.  My cousin was insistent so we accepted her gracious offer to send us money.

As I have been reflecting on this experience, I know now that this was fierce attacks from the enemy.  Since we have been here, I have been writing a lot in my journals of what God has been revealing to me over the past three years.  I also brought my old journals and what is evolving is a daily devotional that I hope will be something publishable about my personal trials, experiences and conversations with God of what He revealed to me during those times.  It has been very empowering and comforting for me to do this because throughout my journals even though I am struggling, God is giving me affirmations encouraging me to trust and believe in what He is doing in my life.  It was the first time in a long time that I had experienced enthusiasm because God all along has been affirming me, His plans and the vision that He placed on my heart.  At the time, all I could see was the struggle!  Going through this process of transcribing my journals into my daily devotions eliminated my doubts, fears and insecurities. 

What is interesting is that the word "enthusiasm" is a Greek word which means possessed by God.  God has been with me so I am not doing this alone nor am I doing it in my strength.  Enthusiasm is empowering me to do what I was intended and created to do.  I love this quote by Eckhart Tolle that says "Enthusiasm wants nothing because it lacks nothing!"  I was beginning to claim all of my God given talents and knew that God was going to use them all for this vision.  I was feeling invigorated and passionate about the possibilities and the potential that God was getting ready to unravel within me.  I felt like there was nothing that I could not do because I knew that God dwelled within me and he has shown me my life purpose and soul mission which gives me much enthusiasm.  The enthusiasm is deep within me because I know it is nothing of me and that I am going to be serving God and His people.  I sat in awe of what God just revealed to me, and I had the most amazing feeling in my chest that radiated through my entire body with warmth, love and peace.  I knew that God was so close to me walking, leading and guiding me each step of the way. 

So Tuesday evening when I was getting ready to go to bed, I physically had a sick bodily felt sense of trembling inside my body all over with no control over it with cold chills to my inner core.  I was feeling the stress of my lost wallet and personal struggles.  I prayed and meditated but nothing seemed to get rid of this feeling.  I went to bed with this trembling feeling and slept very little.  So when I got up on Wednesday morning, I still had the same feeling.  Again, I got into position on the floor and meditated and prayed to God asking Him to reveal to me what I needed to know.  It took a while for anything to come, but then God spoke to me and said,

     Beautiful One,
           "Your stomach is in a tangled web of knots and it is nervousness.  Let me untie the knots and let me show you how.  Your nervousness is because you are moving on and putting the past behind you and walking into the vision and ministry that I have laid upon your heart.  The enemy wants you to feel threatened, insecure, to have doubt, and question if this is really what you are supposed to be doing.  No longer let the enemy control you with deceit and manipulation.  Draw your tangled web of knots and let me show you how I will use those tangled web of knots to create something beautiful from it."

So that is what I did.  I drew the tangled web of knots and unconsciously used five colored pencils in no particular order or pattern.  Then I used the same colored pencils and drew an amazing petal.  As I spent time with the petal, it revealed to me that it is the trinity of my Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I was now feeling much peace!  My stomach no longer felt like a big ball of knots.  It was warm, relaxed and comforting. 

Thank you God for the ways that you use everything around me to speak to me such as my body felt sense, nature, other people, synchronistic events and so much more.  It is when I go to those uncomfortable places with you and sit in them, that you reveal your power, glory, grace and unconditional love for me.  Thank you God for drawing me closer to you during my tangled web of knots and struggles.