Who Is This God That Gives & Takes Away Whom is Calling Me to Serve Him?

Oh God, as you know, my heart aches and I am full of sorrow.  I keep asking, "Who is this God that gives and takes away and is asking me to serve Him?"  God you know how hard it is for me to make myself vulnerable to attach to relationships or beloved pets, but when I finally do, it seems like you strip or take them away from me.  Just when I feel I have nothing else to give or be taken, you reveal to me otherwise. 

God as you know, the latest news I got on Monday is that my beagle, Ginger, of six years who has been my companion and buddy during  major life transitions for me was diagnosed with Stage III Lymphoma in most of her lymph nodes.  There is nothing that can be done except to make her comfortable with steroids.  I will eventually have to make a decision to put her to sleep when the medicine no longer keeps her comfortable.

Ginger has been my walking buddy, she has meditated with me often on the Discipleship Hill  and has given me company while I'm studying and reading sitting at my feet faithfully. The news of Ginger's cancer crushed my heart God and actually made me angry at you.  I was questioning who You are.  She is only six, in good physical condition and I understand this is not common among beagles.  In such a short period of time I have surrendered and lost so much.  I don't understand for what or why?  All I could do Monday evening is cry which prevented me from sleeping. 

During my time of meditation I have been reflecting on Psalm 103 for a week to see what You would speak to me.  I must admit, Monday night I didn't want to read it or much less give You praise as the Psalm indicates.  I read it aloud anyway, crying the entire way through taking needed breaks in between.  I eventually fell asleep.

Tuesday morning as soon as I awakened, I again started questioning and asking, "Who is this God?"  I decided to go to my front window where I often get beautiful sunrises against the backdrop of Massanutten Peak.  The sky was nothing spectacular, but in the tree in front of my house were two red headed wood peckers.  I began to cry uncontrollably because at my previous house, I had four red headed wood peckers that showed up last December that I had never seen before in my seven years that I was at that home.  They stayed with me until I moved in July of this year.  The new owners have not seen them since they have moved in.

Now unexpectantly, or probably timely, these two red headed wood peckers show up when I need to see You God.  The same message that you gave me last December was exactly what I needed to hear this week as I was questioning You.  I never thought I would see any red headed wood peckers in the city and synchronistically they appear!

As I have spent more intentional time with Ginger, I have continued to question and ask, "Who this God is that is asking me to serve Him."  God revealed to me that He is not the one that causes evil, diseases, sin or despair.  That is all of the enemy because of this fallen world that we live in.  God has reassured me that He has overcome the world though.  God revealed some amazing realizations to me in my questioning Him.  God has shown me that He is at the Center of everything no matter what I am experiencing or going through, but often I can't see or comprehend what is happening because I lose my focus of Him which is at the Center of me.  God revealed to me that He has no boundaries, and He is asking me to trust and believe in Him and His timing in all things.

Through Ginger's diagnosis and me being able to see into and feel her soul, God has revealed to me some life lessons this past week.  Even though Ginger is sick, she still wags her tail when I talk to her, when it's time to eat or when I ask if she wants to take a walk.  Despite her cancer, she is still showing joy in the small details of her life experiences.  While walking her the other evening, she even still had strength enough to pull on me when she saw a cat that she wanted to chase.  Always on our walks, she always wants to stop along the way to smell the fire hydrants, the lamp posts or bushes.  I guess you could say she is "stopping to smell the roses"  even though her time is limited.  She has also revealed to me that it is okay to rest and take naps when you are tired.  She is sleeping more often now, but when she is awake, she is fully alive and full of joy.  And oh, the belly rubs!  She has no problem rolling over asking for her belly to be rubbed.  Also when we get done with our walks and we are meditating, she rolls on her back through the grass with her legs straight up in the air as she is scooting along looking pretty silly.  I always laugh at her because it is pretty funny!

What Ginger has taught me is that life is too short!  Enjoy each moment in the present - not looking into the past, nor the future.  Enjoy the journey that is before me, but take time to "smell the roses".  It is not about the destination, but how I travel along the path of the journey that has been laid our for me.  Rest often in the presence of God.  Whatever I do, do it joyfully and it is okay to get on my back and roll around like a fool if that is what I feel inclined to do.  It doesn't matter what others think or may say about me.  The most important thing is to be true to myself and to love others unconditionally just as Ginger has done with me. 

God I thank you for allowing me to question you.  I thank you for opening my eyes further to how infinite you are without borders and no circumference.  I thank you that you are at the very Center of my being participating in my journey and experiences with me.  You do feel and know my feelings, thoughts and emotions.  God I pray that you will continue to pierce my soul and take me deeper in my intimate relationship with You.  As Psalm 103 opens and closes, "Praise the Lord, O my soul, Praise the Lord, O my soul." 

I can't even begin to understand all of your benefits, but it is through life experiences, trials, hurts, pain, despair, loss, grace, mercy, suffering and love that You continue to increase my spiritual sight, you empty myself of me, you show me how to love unconditionally, you show me how to forgive, you show me how not to judge, you give me grace so that I can give others grace, and you give me a well of compassion that can't be contained for others, nature and Your beloved animals.  God you have given me such a gift in emptying me out of myself so that I can be Your hollowed out vessel to serve and love others until the end altruistically sharing what You have done for me giving you all the glory!

I confidently and loudly say, "Praise the Lord, O My Soul, Praise the Lord, O My Soul."  Amen!