Am I Alive?

I awoke  early this morning after a short night.  I have a personal emotional burden that I am carrying that was escalated last night.  I cried, felt sick, and questioned God how much more suffering I must endure.  When will the pain stop?

So here I am on the rooftop at 6:15 am in Nazareth overlooking the city as the sun comes up.  I hear birds chirping, roosters crowing and a gentle breeze is blowing around me.  Three crows have landed on the railing that is sitting patiently and occasionally cawing.  God do they have a message for me?  I also hear a baby calf mooing.  The roosters have already crowed 30 times as I write this.  This morning is already alive and busy.

Am I alive?  I know this sounds like a silly question, but what does it mean to be alive?  Do I just go through the motions of the day without plan and order seeking out my own agenda, desires and plans?  Or do I stop resisting the calling and walk courageously where I know God is leading me?  It seems like a lonely path, but this nudging won't go away that creates an internal conflict between flesh and spirit.  It is at this place where my body felt sense is anxious and sick inside.  What would it look like for me to forego my flesh desires and how do I even accomplish that?  I have been struggling now for almost three years with this constant pain that won't go away.  Everyday there are memories and reminders that triggers this pain.  How does one live by not acknowledging their feelings, emotions and desires that God gave us?  This pain is a thorn in my side that keeps piercing already deeply infected wounds.  What is God trying to reveal to me in this pain?  How or when will the thorn be pulled out? I know even then that my wound will be a scar there for the rest of my life but when will God deliver me from this ever present pain?

In this pain, I have realized that psychologically I have been oppressed, dehumanized and made to feel unworthy.  As I have been here in Palestine/Israel, this is exactly how the Palestinians have been treated.  This is a form of violence which is often unspoken and unrecognized.  Nevertheless, it is a form of violence when a person is made to feel inadequate, unworthy and shunned.  Maybe this is the purpose for my thorn in my side?  I have been able to connect and relate to the Palestinian people with deep empathy and compassion.  Perhaps our similar emotional turmoil is what connects and binds our hearts and souls.  Perhaps if I didn't have this thorn in my side, I may be just another tourist looking at the sites.  Perhaps this is what God is revealing to me.  Maybe He is making me aware of my own pain that I feel trapped just like the Palestinians so that I can become alive through my pain.  It is at this place of being alive and aware of my pain that I can see into the eyes of others suffering and pain.  Their pain is my pain that is becoming alive within me creating compassion and love that is too great to ignore these feelings and emotions.  Now I must do something to be a voice for the oppressed, sick and hurting people.  God is revealing to me that this is what it truly means to be alive.  To be alive you have experienced much pain, suffering and sorrow.  To be alive you experience relationships, memories and failures.  To be alive you experience joy, hope and love.  But to be fully alive in Christ you use all of the emotions and experiences by putting your faith into action to selflessly serve those in need and suffering.  This is greater than me and my suffering.  This is about living alive by living out my calling to serve, heal and transform lives in the name of the Son, Jesus Christ, whom also suffered for what he did not deserve.  Because He is able and I am all things in Him, I too am able by His body and blood that was shed for me.  Thank you Jesus for this unmerited gift of your love and mercy upon me.  Because you can love, I too can love all including the oppressor and enemy. 

Just as Mary said, "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said."  (Luke 1:38)